Can you be friends with your therapist?

Imagine this: You’ve recently started therapy to explore your thoughts and feelings. As you talk to your therapist, you feel a growing connection. You enjoy the conversations and think about connecting with your therapist on social media or asking them to coffee. You might be wondering: “Can I be friends with my therapist?”

While it’s normal to feel close to your therapist, this bond is different from a friendship. Understanding and respecting healthy boundaries in therapy can help you focus on your goals and improve your overall well-being. The American Psychological Association emphasizes the importance of keeping the therapist-client relationship professional. This helps therapists remain objective and focused on your well-being.

Understanding the therapist-client relationship

A therapist-client relationship is built on empathy, trust, and being genuine. This can help you get the most out of psychotherapy. It lets you:

• Learn what a trusting bond feels like
• Try new ways of talking to people safely
• Be yourself without trying to please or impress anyone
• Share your feelings and experiences with someone who won’t judge you

But how is this different from a friendship? Friendships are two-way relationships that include talking, sharing, and helping each other. But in therapy, it’s all about you.

Mental healthcare providers care about you while maintaining a neutral, third-party view about your life. They listen to what you have to say calmly and objectively — they don’t let their personal feelings influence their reactions or the things they say to you. Similarly, unlike a friendship, a therapist should never rely on their clients for their own emotional support, and any self-disclosure about the therapist’s life is done only to benefit the client.

Phases of the therapeutic relationship

Unlike a friendship, therapeutic relationships have stages that therapists are monitoring throughout your treatment. The therapeutic alliance is based on trust and understanding, with the aim of helping you achieve your mental health goals. As the partnership evolves, the stages might look something like this:

• Assessment phase – This includes information gathering, relationship and trust building, goal setting, and treatment planning.
• Middle phase – Where the therapist and client dive into the work together, and focus on resolving issues and working towards goals. In this stage, it’s common for unexpected and uncomfortable feelings to pop up.
• Late phase – The majority of the goals have been met, and the therapist and client are wrapping up the heaviest lifting. Clients are beginning to apply what they’ve learned in sessions to their lives outside therapy.
• Maintenance – Clients are integrating their new insights, skills, and knowledge into their lives. Depending on the therapist, clients can reduce session frequency to monthly or an “as needed” basis.
• Termination or graduation – The client no longer needs to be in therapy and the relationship ends, either permanently or temporarily. Many therapists are open to having former clients return in the future if needed, and that discussion is part of the termination process.

While we don’t know when or if our friendships will end, therapeutic relationships are meant to end. Despite these often being supportive and caring relationships, the goal is for clients to stop seeing therapists once their mental health improves.

Why boundaries matter in therapy

Therapy boundaries ensure a professional relationship between you and your therapist. They start in your first session and continue throughout therapy. Good therapists establish healthy boundaries that help you:

• Feel safe sharing your thoughts and feelings
• Know what’s okay and not okay in therapy
• Avoid unethical situations

Well-defined, professional boundaries prevent unethical relationships from forming. This includes dual relationships, like a client dating their therapist. It also includes conflicts of interest, where a therapist might have too close a personal connection to their client.

The role of therapists in strengthening therapeutic relationships

In a friendship, both parties are expected to do their part to maintain the relationship. A therapeutic relationship is different — with the client’s participation, the therapist is responsible for keeping the relationship in good shape. Understanding the role of the therapist in this way can help you set realistic expectations.

Some of the ways psychotherapists establish and maintain therapeutic relationships with their clients include the following:

• Making you feel welcome: Your therapist will try to make sure you feel comfortable, whether your session is in-person or online. They may give you an opportunity to ask what therapy will be like, or let you know that being nervous to begin therapy is a very normal feeling.
• Discussing your expectations: A therapist will seek to establish what you expect from your therapy sessions and the therapeutic relationship itself (such as communication and availability outside the session, or discussing financial and billing arrangements upfront). They will then use this information as their guidepost throughout the treatment process.
• Seeking to understand you: A counselor will ask several questions, whether as a one-on-one interview or through a questionnaire. Their goal will be to better understand you, your life experiences, and what you’re seeking help for.
• Refraining from judgment: Most therapists have heard it all. They receive specialized training, supervision, and consultation to help them take a clinical view of people’s lives. This helps them refrain from engaging in judgement and helps them offer you new ways of seeing your situation that may be helpful.

While many of these actions are familiar to the way friends might treat each other, your therapist’s objective is make sure you feel safe being open and vulnerable so you can succeed in treatment.

Exploring expectations in therapy

Knowing what to expect from a therapy session can help you and your therapist have a good relationship. Remember that your therapy sessions are meant to help you grow and make progress in your mental health. Together you will create treatment goals so you’re on the same page about what you’re working on in treatment. These goals may be influenced by budget and time constraints — so it helps to have a clear discussion about these factors both at the onset of treatment and when evaluating progress throughout.

Remember that therapy can often be challenging, and often brings up uncomfortable memories, thoughts, and emotions. A friend might or loved one may want to help you, but usually lacks the education and skill to help you navigate these things; a therapist on the other hand, is trained to do just that. If therapy ends up being different from what you expected, discuss your concerns or disappointments with your therapist.

Celebrate your progress, no matter how small. Remember that the journey is just as important as the goal. Try to believe that whatever comes up in treatment is worth exploring.

Power dynamics in therapy

Therapists hold a position of power in the relationship because they’re viewed as experts or professionals, and guide clients through vulnerable issues. In a personal relationship, this would be hard to navigate, which is another reason the therapist-client relationship much remain professional.

• Therapists have specialized knowledge and training
• Clients share personal information with therapists, but not the other way around
• Therapists guide the therapy process and make professional judgments

Even after therapy ends, this power differential can affect any potential friendship. Both therapists and clients must maintain healthy boundaries to protect their well-being.

Understanding transference and countertransference

Transference is a normal part of the therapeutic relationship and occurs when you project feelings about someone in your life onto your therapist. For example, if you’re a survivor of childhood neglect, such as not getting sufficient care or attention from a parent, you might start experiencing your therapist as a parental figure once you start receiving the care and support you always deserved.

Sexual or romantic feelings can also be a part of transference. However, they can never be acted upon. When clients have these strong feelings about their therapist, it can be helpful to talk about them. Therapists are trained to know this is a normal part of therapy and to guide the conversation to make sure no boundaries are crossed and that the relationship stays professional.

Countertransference happens when a therapist’s feelings affect their view of a client. For example,  therapist may experience feeling too close to their client’s emotions. This is also a normal part of the therapy process and requires therapists to receive their own care or consultation around their feelings and personal issues in order to maintain objectivity.

What happens if a client and therapist do become friends?

All therapist professional bodies have codes of conduct that prohibit counselors from having personal relationships with their clients, either in-person or online.

Ethical considerations

Therapists follow a code of ethics that say they can’t:

• Have other relationships with clients that could hurt their work
• Do anything that might harm or take advantage of clients
• Enter into several relationships that would impair their competence or objectivity

Williams explains, “A therapist may face disciplinary actions from their governing bodies or even have their licenses terminated if they become friends with their clients.”

Avoiding conflicts of interest

Therapists avoid situations that could make it harder for them to do their job well. This includes:

• Having more than one type of relationship with a client (like being friends or family)
• Letting personal beliefs get in the way of treatment
• Seeing clients who know each other and have conflicting interests
• Having business deals or financial connections with clients

If conflicts can’t be avoided, therapists should seek help from other professionals. The goal is to limit any harm to their clients. The National Association of Social Workers advises practitioners to inform clients of any potential conflicts of interest and resolve them while protecting the client’s interests.

Can you be friends with your former therapist?

Even after ending therapy, it’s usually not a good idea to be friends with your former therapist. The power differential from therapy can make it hard to have a balanced friendship. Your former therapist knows much about you, but you don’t know much about them. This can make having a fair and equal friendship between a former client and therapist difficult.

Some therapists might be open to casual contact, such as saying hello if you run into each other. But most prefer to keep strong boundaries even after therapy ends. This protects you and the therapist and respects the important work you did together in psychotherapy.

You may wonder about staying in touch with your therapist on social media or want to catch up after ending therapy. In most cases keeping the relationship professional is in everyone’s best interest. In some states, connecting with a client on social media is considered a “dual relationship” and an ethical violation — even after therapy has ended.

Finding the right therapist for your well-being

While you might feel close to your therapist, remember that the relationship is different from a friendship. A good therapist builds rapport but keeps clear boundaries. This helps you get the most out of therapy and maintain your mental health and well-being.

If you’re looking for a therapist, Grow Therapy can help. We have many skilled mental health professionals. They know how to build solid and professional relationships while maintaining healthy boundaries. Use our search tool to find a therapist who:

• Is in your area
• Takes your insurance
• Specializes in what you need
• Offers online therapy

Remember, a good therapist will help you solve your problems without becoming your friend. They’ll support you and teach you how to have healthy relationships with other people.